Titanic: The Legend Goes On… (2000)

Ah, the elegant behind-the-seagull’s-butthole reveal. Movies don’t use this technique enough. Titanic: The Legend Goes On… is the second of three Italian animated feature films about the disastrous sinking of the RMS Titanic. Having said that, this film isn’t a direct sequel and has nothing to do with it’s predecessor, The Legend of the Titanic, other than […]

The Legend of the Titanic (1999)

Still better CGI than The Phantom Menace. The Legend of the Titanic was produced by the Italian animation studio MondoTV in attempt to capitalize from the success of James Cameron’s Titanic. In remaking this tragic love story as a children’s cartoon, the filmmakers have effectively removed the brutality of the actual event by replacing horrific, torturous death […]

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

Translation: Fat Cop Fall Down, Funny! Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a cheap Die Hard remake featuring a gang of criminals who take hostages during a Christmastime robbery, only to be thwarted by an overlooked patron they didn’t expect to be in the building. Instead of cleaning out the Nakatomi Tower, the evil masterminds in Mall Cop take […]

Twilight (2008)

For a movie about ancient feuds between rival vampire families and werewolves, Twilight is painfully dull. Unlike Underworld, a film with the same premise, there’s no action or excitement. This might be because the film is presented from the perspective of the most boring high school girl in the history of the universe. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has […]

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

If there’s one thing we can learn from Tammy and the T-Rex, it’s that love is at its strongest in the face of adversity. This film tells the incredibly useless story of Michael (played by Paul Walker, RIP), a young man who has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur’s body, and his attempt to reconcile […]