Fateful Findings (2013)

Fateful Findings is, well, a fateful finding. I’m so freakishly fortunate to have fatefully found a film so fruitfully fun and fantastically frenzied. I faithfully feel this fine failure of a feature will forever find my funnybone and… uhhh… fuck it, I’m out of ‘f’ words. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself. Trust me though, […]

Tentacolino (2004) – Part 2 of 2

Continued from Part One. To sum up Tentacolino is a daunting task to say say the least. There’s enough wrong with the movie that anyone could go on about it for days. But I’d like to give the film the benefit of the doubt and suggest there’s a fraction of a chance that it may just […]

Tentacolino (2004) – Part 1 of 2

Tentacolino (2004), or In Search of the Titanic, is the final instalment in the Italian-made animated trilogy about the sinking of the Titanic. This film is once again produced by MondoTV, and is a direct sequel to 1999’s The Legend of the Titanic. The second film in the series, Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000), is a […]

Titanic: The Legend Goes On… (2000)

Ah, the elegant behind-the-seagull’s-butthole reveal. Movies don’t use this technique enough. Titanic: The Legend Goes On… is the second of three Italian animated feature films about the disastrous sinking of the RMS Titanic. Having said that, this film isn’t a direct sequel and has nothing to do with it’s predecessor, The Legend of the Titanic, other than […]

The Legend of the Titanic (1999)

Still better CGI than The Phantom Menace. The Legend of the Titanic was produced by the Italian animation studio MondoTV in attempt to capitalize from the success of James Cameron’s Titanic. In remaking this tragic love story as a children’s cartoon, the filmmakers have effectively removed the brutality of the actual event by replacing horrific, torturous death […]

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

Translation: Fat Cop Fall Down, Funny! Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a cheap Die Hard remake featuring a gang of criminals who take hostages during a Christmastime robbery, only to be thwarted by an overlooked patron they didn’t expect to be in the building. Instead of cleaning out the Nakatomi Tower, the evil masterminds in Mall Cop take […]

Twilight (2008)

For a movie about ancient feuds between rival vampire families and werewolves, Twilight is painfully dull. Unlike Underworld, a film with the same premise, there’s no action or excitement. This might be because the film is presented from the perspective of the most boring high school girl in the history of the universe. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has […]

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

If there’s one thing we can learn from Tammy and the T-Rex, it’s that love is at its strongest in the face of adversity. This film tells the incredibly useless story of Michael (played by Paul Walker, RIP), a young man who has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur’s body, and his attempt to reconcile […]

Julie and Jack (2003)

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present Julie and Jack! The directorial debut of James Nguyen, who would later helm the b-movie masterpiece Birdemic. This one has everything you would expect from Nguyen, from an aimless love story to endless corporate sales meetings. Not to mention costumes like these. Jack Livingstone (Justin Kunkle) is a down on […]

Showgirls (1995)

Showgirls tells the story of switchblade-toting, orphan hitchhiker Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) and her commendable ambition to someday become a successful naked dancer on stage in the Las Vegas strip. Who hasn’t had such a wholesome, family friendly dream? She’s a six-mood-swing-a-minute type of girl, screaming like a defiant teenager one moment and making out with strange women the […]