Gigli (2003)

Ben Affleck and J-Lo react to Gigli’s reviews. Time for some math. What do you get when you combine Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez with an incredibly shoddy script posing as a forward-thinking drama? Turn in your results, students, and let me grade your papers. That’s right everyone, the answer is Gigli (2003). This is the record-breaking film […]

I Am Here…. Now (2009)

No, that’s not a typo in the title, the ellipsis in this movie has four periods instead of three. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I Am Here…. Now is directorwriterproducerstar Neil Breen’s second film undertaking, smack dab between Double Down (2005) and the unforgettable Fateful Findings (2013). In this film, Breen is credited […]

Double Down (2005)

In my review of filmmaker Neil Breen’s  Fateful Findings, I commended the man for understanding story structure, at least more than Tommy Wiseau does. Having now seen his first film, Double Down, I realize that I may have been mistaken. While there are a few surprising storytelling techniques present in Fateful Findings, Breen definitely hasn’t been […]

Fateful Findings (2013)

Fateful Findings is, well, a fateful finding. I’m so freakishly fortunate to have fatefully found a film so fruitfully fun and fantastically frenzied. I faithfully feel this fine failure of a feature will forever find my funnybone and… uhhh… fuck it, I’m out of ‘f’ words. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself. Trust me though, […]

Tentacolino (2004) – Part 2 of 2

Continued from Part One. To sum up Tentacolino is a daunting task to say say the least. There’s enough wrong with the movie that anyone could go on about it for days. But I’d like to give the film the benefit of the doubt and suggest there’s a fraction of a chance that it may just […]

Tentacolino (2004) – Part 1 of 2

Tentacolino (2004), or In Search of the Titanic, is the final instalment in the Italian-made animated trilogy about the sinking of the Titanic. This film is once again produced by MondoTV, and is a direct sequel to 1999’s The Legend of the Titanic. The second film in the series, Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000), is a […]

Titanic: The Legend Goes On… (2000)

Ah, the elegant behind-the-seagull’s-butthole reveal. Movies don’t use this technique enough. Titanic: The Legend Goes On… is the second of three Italian animated feature films about the disastrous sinking of the RMS Titanic. Having said that, this film isn’t a direct sequel and has nothing to do with it’s predecessor, The Legend of the Titanic, other than […]

The Legend of the Titanic (1999)

Still better CGI than The Phantom Menace. The Legend of the Titanic was produced by the Italian animation studio MondoTV in attempt to capitalize from the success of James Cameron’s Titanic. In remaking this tragic love story as a children’s cartoon, the filmmakers have effectively removed the brutality of the actual event by replacing horrific, torturous death […]

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

Translation: Fat Cop Fall Down, Funny! Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a cheap Die Hard remake featuring a gang of criminals who take hostages during a Christmastime robbery, only to be thwarted by an overlooked patron they didn’t expect to be in the building. Instead of cleaning out the Nakatomi Tower, the evil masterminds in Mall Cop take […]

Twilight (2008)

For a movie about ancient feuds between rival vampire families and werewolves, Twilight is painfully dull. Unlike Underworld, a film with the same premise, there’s no action or excitement. This might be because the film is presented from the perspective of the most boring high school girl in the history of the universe. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has […]