Silly Movie 2 (2004)

5Hey, the title card is upside down! This is just Silly, Movie!

Hey everyone, remember that hilarious parody / spoof film, Silly Movie 1? What’s that? No…. ? Oh, well of course not – that’s because it doesn’t exist! There is no first Silly Movie! So how then, could there possibly be an unfunny, unwatchable, jokeless comedy sequel, Silly Movie 2 (2004)? When I discovered this brainsore of a motion picture, the DVD poster’s tagline ‘Twice as Silly!‘ intrigued me considerably, especially knowing that there was never a first instalment for Silly Movie 2 to out-sillify. So I’ve come up with this mathematical formula to help make sense of it all: Since Silly Movie 1 doesn’t exist, it therefore has a silly factor of zero. Now we must factor in Silly Movie 2, which is allegedly twice as silly, giving us the following equation: 2 x 0 = 0. Therefore, we can all ascertain and agree that Silly Movie 2 can in fact be twice as silly as the first, while at the same time remaining entirely unsilly.

The true story is that this film was originally released in 2004 with the title Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls. When it was unsurprisingly unsuccessful, it was quickly forgotten and ignored by the ten or twelve people who actually saw it. The producers, tough as they are,  persevered and fought for their little film, never giving up on its (lack of) potential. With the more recent popularity of parody films like Epic Movie (2007), they re-released their film in 2008 under a new title, imitating the font and poster style of Epic Movie. The goal was to have old ladies who don’t know any better accidentally buy the wrong movie for their grandchildren for Christmas. Talk about ambitious filmmakers. Nothing says pride in one’s work like hoping audiences will purchase your product by mistake.

The film opens with a quick, candid intro from director Bryan Michael Stoller’s mother, who discusses how much she dislikes Silly Movie 2. That should have been a major red flag right there. Most parents would be proud to have raised a successful filmmaker, and would be supportive of their son’s achievements. Stoller’s mom, on the other hand, looks embarrassed and uncomfortable just being there. She then goes on to plug some of the director’s other films, as well as the book he wrote – Filmmaking For Dummies. Now this is probably Stoller’s biggest mistake.  He’s advertising his instructional book about movie-making just ten seconds before this incompetent shit-storm of a film begins. No one would want to learn this man’s technique after seeing the film – not even the dummy demographic he’s targeting.

The crappy interlace, awkward transitions, and fullscreen aspect ratio already speak to his technical inadequacy.

With all the bad movies and cult films I’ve seen, it’s hard to surprise me at this point. I say that so you understand my full meaning when I explain how, after just four minutes, I had to pause the film, my mouth agape, to process what I had just watched. We open with a shot-for-shot imitation of the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones discovers Noah’s Ark (get it?), and proceeds to call Austin Powers (???) on his rotary cell phone. After they spoof Verizon Wireless’ ‘Can you hear me now?‘ commercial for a while, the sequence is resolved with Indiana Jones being stepped on by a giant dinosaur / pig amalgamation – a Jurassic Pork. Smash cut to Vatican city, where the pope waves to stock footage of baseball fans before blessing a FedEx delivery guy (Federal Espresso that is, for legal purposes) who sneezes. In just four minutes, the film is already over-saturated with one nonsensical pop-culture reference after another. It’s weird. It’s disjointed. And worst of all, it’s not funny.

That is, other than these special effects.

The torrential outpouring of references continues relentlessly while the film desperately seeks a coherent narrative. We finally arrive at one when a plane full of beauty contestants crash lands on a deserted island, leaving only the pilot/ladies man Maximus Power (Eric Roberts), the nerdy co-pilot Mike Saunders (Charlie Schlatter), and a group of dim-witted Miss America pageant stereotypes left alive. The survivors split up into groups, ostracising the geeky co-pilot Mike to fend for himself while everyone else works together to find food, shelter, and to formulate a rescue plan.

Ground zero of the plane crash is suspiciously lacking a plane. They just landed on a beach, I guess?

Fortunately, Mike stumbles across a cave that provides more than adequate shelter. And just like in Cast Away, FedEx boxes from the plane crash keep washing ashore, providing him with every comfort he needs, including a gas stove and satellite tv. The bulk of the second act features Mike enjoying island life while Maximus and the pageant girls struggle. The ‘jokes’ for the duration of this sequence present the repetitive notion that Mike lives in comfort while the others barely survive.

A budding romance also begins when one of the pageant girls, who feels sorry for Mike, starts spending time with him in his cave. Things get really sexy disgusting when she makes him scrambled eggs. I thought this was supposed to make me laugh, not puke….

I bet those are cold from sitting on set all day.

There’s a lot I don’t understand about this movie, like how the beauty pageant features primarily American contestants – Miss Washington, California, Florida, etc – with the exception of Miss Spain. It’s like a beauty pageant for each of the 50 States – plus one girl from another country. What’s the story there? The film raises plenty of little questions like this one, none of which are worth wasting time contemplating.

Another comedic trope this film fails at is fourth wall breaking. Trust me, there’s a lot of it. During one sequence, the relaxing island tune soundtrack comes to life when a camera pan reveals the singer standing right there, singing into the camera, with his name taped to a tree beside him. Later on, the actors ‘break character’ and are forced to read from the script for an entire scene, including the stage directions. But the worst offence is the director once again plugging one of his other feature films – Undercover Angel – by having the DVD wash up with all the other FedEx boxes.

This ain’t Deadpool – just because it’s self-aware doesn’t mean it’s funny.

In the end, things come full circle when the plane crash survivors discover Noah’s Ark and Jurassic Pork on the island with them. So they’re all on the same island that was featured in the opening sequence? Great. An interesting connection maybe, but so what? It still doesn’t make the opening sequence any less pointless. Anyway, inside Noah’s Ark, we learn that Noah is being held captive by a group of people in bad Planet of the Apes outfits. If things weren’t insane before, they certainly will be now. The apes have foreseen another world-wide flood, and they plan to use the ark to ensure every species is wiped out – preserving their existence alone. So we’re almost an hour in, and we’re just now meeting our antagonists.

Conveniently, Mike has a fake R2-D2 robot thing on hand who works with the Mission Impossible headquarters. The robot projects a recording of Michael Jackson – yes, THE Michael Jackson is in this movie – who gives Mike his mission. He must infiltrate the ark, rescue Noah, and defeat the apes, in order to prevent prevent The Perfect Storm from even happening.

Behold! Witness the nonsense that is Silly Movie 2.

Now, hang on a minute movie! This is getting…. well…. silly. Imagine if I kidnapped this film’s director, Bryan Michael Stoller, holding him hostage until he apologized for this festering bowel movement of a movie. If I kidnapped him today, and the weather forecast predicted rain tomorrow – that wouldn’t change whether I was torturing him or not. It wouldn’t make a difference if someone rescued Stoller from me – it would still rain the next day, either way! So if Mike were to rescue Noah, how exactly would that prevent a 40 day and 40 night storm that floods the earth?

Needless to say, Mike is successful and even manages to defeat Jurassic Pork and stop a torpedo along the way. This nonsense finally comes to an end with a sloppy Lord of the Rings reference and a reveal that the characters have actually been in California the whole time, evidenced when they discover the Hollywood sign just a short walk from their beach. I’m not even going to try to wrap my head around that. This movie is baffling, soul-sucking garbage. Don’t watch this one, not even for fun.


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